Her er stedet, hvor jeg samler forskellige sjove ting sammen. Noget er "lånt" rundt omkring på nettet, andet har jeg modtaget i diverse sjove mails (tak for dem og en særlig tak til gutterne fra whisky-klubben, der er søde til at sende sjove mails rundt!).
Klik på et afsnit, for at hoppe direkte til det:
Berømte sidste ord (famous last words)
Livets store spørgsmål
Examples of auto-replies during holidays (engelsk)
Uddrag fra flyskolens undervisningshæfte
Morsom flyradio kommunikation (engelsk)
Morsomme svar fra mekanikere på klager fra piloter
The six affairs
Underlige fakta og lidt at tænke over
Kvinders to hjernehalvdele
Audi Quattro joke
Grundkursus i marketing
Announcement from Apple
Mænd er bare lykkeligere mennesker - sådan er det bare
Sådan løses midtvejskrisen
A Good Weigh...
Klip fra patientjournaler
Det danske sprog...
Vær opmærksom på, at flyskolen tager intet ansvar for de erfaringer eleverne måtte gøre sig, heller ikke selvom nedenstående retningslinier er fulgt.
Her følger en del engelske eksempler på humor over radioen.
ATC: "Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango
check for workers along taxiway"
AZA: "Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"
ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out
of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."
(busy)Moncton Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!"
ACA1147: "Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above
CZQM: "As soon as I get a chance, I will."
(some time passes with continuous radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?"
CZQM: "Standby for that, please"
(more radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?"
CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds."
Aurora: "Moncton, TRIALS08, we'll be working VFR at 4,500,
loitering over the city of Saint John for about the next 10-15 minutes.
We'd like radar flight following."
CZQM: "TRIALS08, roger, you're radar identified. Are you aware the city has bylaws against loitering?"
Aurora: "Ah... roger that"
(check the callsign of the answering aircraft)
CZQM: "Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12"
ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll talk to you later."
CZQM: "Maybe sooner than you think."
(a few seconds pass...)
ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk to us on 127.12..."
CZQM: "See what I mean?"
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero,
expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"
Tower: "Have you got enough fuel or not?"
Tower: "Yes what??"
Pilot: "Yes, SIR"
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R.
You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya."
Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
Tower: "95 Delta, do you read the tower?"
95D: "675, sir"
Tower: "95 Delta, Say Again"
95D: "I think it is 675."
Tower: "95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?"
95D: "I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now."
Tower: "95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down."
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering
downwind from the left 45."
Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna."
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers." :)
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
(several long circuits later)
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
(another long delay)
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."
7MA: "Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers."
HYA: "Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing."
7MA: "We're a Cessna 182."
HYA: "Negative, say *type* landing."
7MA: "Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform."
HYA: "7MA, I say again, say **type** landing."
7MA: "(Silence) A good one I hope."
Control: "You're unreadable, say again."
Motor-glider: "I've turned off the engine, is that better?"
Control: (looong pause)
ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
Controller: "AF123, say call sign of your wingman."
Pilot: "Uh... approach, we're a single ship."
Controller: "oooohhh! You have traffic!"
Controller: "Speedbird 12, are you a heading?"
Pilot: "We are always a heading."
Korean Air 1234 : "Please say runway and brake situation".
Auckland Tower : "Previously landed Beech twin prop reported half an inch of standing water on runway, no report on braking effectiveness as brakes not required".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ehhh... Say again...".
Auckland Tower : "Previously landed aircraft says did not need to use brakes, ten to fifteen millimeter deep water on runway".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ah ! Thank you !".
O'Hare Approach: "USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach,
maintain speed 250 knots."
USA212: "Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?"
O'Hare Approach: "All the way to the gate if you can."
USA212: "Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control."
ATC: "Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019."
Pan AM 1: "Could you give that to me in inches?"
ATC: "Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019"
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"
727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a
360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
Beech Baron: "Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747."
ATC: "Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry."
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately ..."
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left
of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"
A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for take-off."
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN."
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: "Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."
Tower: "Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure."
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers."
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
Pilot with Southern drawl: "Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with ya at seven thousand, with Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee."
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
Pilot: "Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi,
Ground: "Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport"
Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an
Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"
Controller: "AAL235 contact tower on 117.30"
Pilot: "Roger, tower on 123.50"
Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots... But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
Pilot: "... request heading to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what?"
Pilot: "To avoid further delay."
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about
two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit"
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."
A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: "Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"
München II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: "Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."
London Controller: "CBN438 you are cleared direct Dover VOR."
Pilot: "Roger, copy cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Controller: "Ok, cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up
and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
Pilot: "FLX 30, we just have a few gallons of fuel."
Tower: "Please give us your position, we dont see you at the radar!"
Pilot: "We are standing at runway 2 and want to know, when the fuel truck will come!"
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to
destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter
present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000
feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158
own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with hammer.
Solution: Took hammer from little man.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,
where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild
sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters.
The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying,
the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there
was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before
they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private
part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said,and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?" exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his
slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
In the left side, there's nothing right. And in the right side, there's nothing left!Gå til toppen
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Grundkursus i marketing - Få alle begreber indenfor marketing på plads på en let forståelig måde.
Du er til en fest. Du får øje på en lækker ung fyr. Du går hen til ham og siger: "Jeg er temmelig god i sengen!" Det er Direct Marketing.
Du er til en fest. Du får øje på en lækker ung fyr. Du spøger om du kan få hans mobilnummer. Den næste dag ringer Du ham op og siger: "Jeg er temmelig god i sengen!" Det er Tele Marketing.
Du er med nogle veninder til en fest. Du får øje på en lækker ung fyr. En af dine veninder går hen til ham og siger: "Hende, der står derhenne er temmelig god i sengen!" Det er Reklame.
Du er til en fest. Du får øje på en lækker ung fyr. Du går hen til ham og opfrisker hans hukommelse: "Kan Du huske vores date for 2 uger siden og hvor god jeg var i sengen?" Det er Customer Relationship Management CRM).
Du er til en fest. Du får øje på en lækker ung fyr. Du går hen til ham og siger: "Jeg er temmelig god i sengen!" Derefter knapper du din bluse op og viser dine bryster. Det er Merchandising.
Du er til en fest. Du får øje på en lækker ung fyr. Du går hen til ham og fortæller hvor smagfuldt han er klædt og hvor godt han dufter. Så tænder du hans cigaret og skænker et glas vin for ham og siger: "Jeg er temmelig god i sengen!" Det er PR (Public Relations).
Du er til en fest. Du ser en lækker ung pige. Du går hen til hende og siger: "Jeg er temmelig god i sengen og desuden kan jeg hele natten uden pauser!"
Det er i strid med god markedsføring og yderst vildledende for forbrugeren, og er forbudt ifølge Markedsføringsloven!Gå til toppen
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play
high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Dit efternavn kan du beholde som det er. Garagen er din egen. Bryllupsforberedelser ordner sig selv. Chokolade er bare en blandt flere slags lækkerier.
DU kan blive præsident eller statsminister. Du kan aldrig blive gravid. Du kan have en hvid T-shirt på i badelandet. Du kan gå uden T-shirt i badelandet. Automekanikere fortæller dig sandheden.
Hele verden er din pisse-rende. Du behøver ikke køre til en anden tankstations toilet blot fordi dette er for ulækkert. Du behøver ikke tænke over hvilken vej du skal dreje en møtrik. Du har det samme arbejde men tjener mere. Rynker gør dig mere karakterfuld. Du kan blot leje smokingen til store fester.
Folk kigger aldrig på dit bryst når du taler til dem. Det nærmest forventes at du bøvser under og efter måltidet. Du kan prutte. Nye sko giver dig ikke vabler eller slidmærker. Du har det samme humør altid. Telefonsamtaler varer højst 30 sekunder. Du ved ting og sager om biler, våben, fly.... En uges ferie kan snildt rummes i én kuffert. Du kan selv åbne flasker og rødbedeglas. Du får anerkendelse for at være betænksom. Hvis nogen glemmer at invitere dig kan I stadig være venner.
Dit undertøj koster 49 kr. for 3 stykker. Tre par sko er mere end nok for dig. Du har aldrig betænkeligheder med om dit tøj sidder ordentligt.. Du er ikke i stand til at se om dit eget tøj er krøllet. Hele dit ansigt er i de farver naturen har givet det. Den samme hårmode varer i årevis, måske endda årtier. Du er kun nødt til at barbere dit ansigt og halsen.
Du må lege med legetøj hele livet. Din mave vil sædvanligvis skjule dine brede hofter. En taske og én farve til alle årstider. Du går med shorts, uanset hvordan dine ben ser ud. Du kan ordne negle med en lommekniv. Du kan vælge, om du vil have overskæg.
Juleindkøbene til 25 familiemedlemmer ordner du på 25 minutter den 23. december. Det er ikke underligt at mænd er mere lykkelige.Gå til toppen
En ven af mig - lidt oppe i årene - fortalte mig forleden denne historie:
Efter at have været gift i 44 år, tog jeg en dag et kritisk blik på konen og sagde derfor til hende:
"Elskede, for 44 år siden havde vi en billig lejlighed, en billig bil, vi sov på sofaen i stuen, og så på et 10-tommers sort/hvid TV, men jeg gik hver aften i seng med en hed kvinde på 25 år!"
"Nu har jeg et hus til 4 millioner, en bil til 750.000, en kæmpestor dobbeltseng og et 50-tommers fladskærms-TV, men jeg må hver aften gå i seng med en træt kvinde på 65! Så vidt jeg kan se, er du ikke fulgt med her!"
Min kone er egentligt en ganske fornuftig kvinde. Hun sagde blot: "Gå du ret ud og find dig en hed tøs på 25 år, så skal jeg straks sørge for, at du igen får: En billig lejlighed, en billig bil, en sofaseng og et billigt sort/hvid TV!"
ER gamle piger ikke bar' dejlige? De sørger for at løse dine midtvejskriser på et øjeblik!Gå til toppen
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural south Mississippi on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"
The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, we were married for 42 years."Gå til toppen
En ældre dame bliver stoppet for at køre for hurtigt...
Ældre dame: "Er der problemer, hr. betjent?"
Betjenten: "Frue, De kørte for hurtigt."
Ældre dame: "Åh, javel."
Betjenten: "Må jeg se Deres førerbevis?"
Ældre dame: "Jeg ville give det til Dem, men jeg har ikke et."
Betjenten: "De har ikke et?"
Ældre dame: "Mistede det for 4 år siden pga. spirituskørsel."
Betjenten: "Javel... Må jeg bede om at se bilens indregistreringspapirer."
Ældre dame: "Dem har jeg ikke."
Betjenten: "Hvorfor ikke?"
Ældre dame: "Jeg har stjålet bilen."
Betjenten: "Stjålet den?"
Ældre dame: "Ja, og jeg slog ejeren ihjel og parterede ham."
Betjenten: "Hvad gjorde De?"
Ældre dame: "Delene ligger i bagagerummet i plastikposer, hvis De vil se det."
Betjenten kigger på damen og går langsomt tilbage til sin bil og beder om hjælp. I løbet af få minutter står der 5 politibiler rundt om bilen. En overordnet nærmer sig langsomt bilen med hånden på sin halvt trukne pistol.
Overbetjenten: "Frue, vil De være venlig at stige ud af Deres bil, tak."
Damen stiger ud af bilen.
Ældre dame: "Er der problemer, hr.?"
Overbetjenten: "En af mine betjente har fortalt mig at De har stjålet denne bil og myrdet ejeren."
Ældre dame: "Myrdet ejeren??"
Overbetjenten: "Ja. Vil De være venlig at åbne for bagagerummet."
Damen åbner for bagagerummet der viser sig at være tomt.
Overbetjenten: "Er dette Deres bil, frue?"
Ældre dame: "Ja, her er registreringspapirerne."
Overbetjenten kigger måbende.
Overbetjenten: "En af mine betjente siger De ikke har kørekort."
Damen åbner sin taske, fremdrager sit kørekort og giver det til overbetjenten.
Overbetjenten studerer kørekortet. Han ser meget forvirret ud.
Overbetjenten: "Tak, frue. En af mine betjente fortalte mig at De ikke havde kørekort, at De stjal denne bil, myrdede og parterede ejeren."
Ældre dame: "Jeg vil vædde på at LØGNEREN også sagde jeg kørte for stærkt.
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.
Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.
"Wousy!" Rose replied.Gå til toppen
Man skal nogle gange have et godt helbred for at overleve en hospitalsindlæggelse. Og de har også lidt travlt i sundhedssektoren - se lige disse udklip fra diverse patientjournaler:
Supporten: Hvad kan jeg hjælpe dig med?
Kunden: Jeg er i gang med at skrive min første mail og jeg har skrevet bogstavet a - hvordan får jeg den lille cirkel rundt om?
Supporten: Er cursoren der stadig?
Kunden: Nej, jeg er alene her.
Og næste kunde kunne ikke koble sig på netværket...
Supporten: Er du sikker på du har skrevet det rigtige password?
Kunden: Ja, jeg kiggede på, da min kollega loggede sig på.
Supporten: Kan du fortælle mig hvad passwordet var?
Kunden: Det var fem små stjerner.
Supporten: Nu skal vi se hvordan dit system ser ud. Klik på "Min computer"
Kunden: Men hvordan skulle jeg kunne gøre det herfra??
Kunden til HP supporteren: Min laserprinter fungerer ikke!
Supporten: Hvilken model har du?
Kunden: Det er en HP
Supporten: Ja, det kan jeg forstå, men er det en sort/hvid printer?
Kunden: Nej, den er beige.
Kunden til TDC supporten: Jeg har købt Internet og vil have hjælp!
Supporten: OK, hvor langt er du kommet i installationen?
Kunden: Jeg har pakket Internettet ud af æsken.
Supporten: OK, har du koblet alle kabler til og tændt din computer?
Kunden: Tændt computeren? Jeg har ikke nogen computer, jeg har købt Internet!!
Kunden: Min computer hænger.
Supporten: Har du mange åbne vinduer?
Kunden: Nej, men døren står lidt på klem....
|Opdateret d. 9.3.2009||Gå til toppen||Du var besøgende nr. 26609 på vores site|